I wish…I envy… T_T

Have you guys ever felt that one of your parents is being unfair to you? Especially how they treat you between your brothers or sisters. I’m in that case right now and I just want to run out of this fuckin dumb house. My mom is being like crappy to me and my brother is being like an asshole. I just feel like bitching this house. I fuckin hate this. I hate listening to these shits I don’t need to hear. I’m not some kind of maid. I just wished mom could just listen to what I feel and relate to me like other moms to their daughters. But she just looks at me like a responsible and her doll to be made perfect. Let me say this, have she ever asked me how I feel? Or what I’m up to? Or what’s going on with me? Or why I did this or that? Or why I want to do this or that? She couldn’t even understand me when I need time to be alone. She would bitch at me and give me crap that I don’t wanna hear, without even trying to know what’s the problem.
She doesn’t give me the freedom my friends could have and what they can do with their parents. I envy my friends who can relate to their parents well. I envy their parents who knew them so well and that they actually have the time to “talk” together without any interruptions and be cool with any of it, especially with their mom. I wish I could have that with my mom. But you know what, it’s nothing. It’s never gonna happen. Don’t expect me to be the good daughter to her. I’m never anything to her except a responsible and her helper for my brothers. She only takes care of my schools and what outlooks to show people probably that she takes care of her children well. But does she care sometimes what I feel? Some of my friends have a chance of a “girl” talk with their mom. But my mom would just ignore the stuff I say to have a girl talk and move it on to another topic for my outlooks or she’s tired of everything for me that I should blablabla. I know what I’m responsible of. I’m mature enough. But couldn’t I just have a little more attention and freedom I could have as a teenager? Couldn’t she listen to what I wanna say at times? Couldn’t she look at me like a girl? Sometimes I regret having siblings, especially younger ones. I want to have older siblings. I just want someone to relate to. I love my baby brother. But my second brother is like a jerk. Other siblings can get cooperated with. But him, he’s just an ass. He always get the attention from my mom. He’s still the one who get spoiled the most. Even because of him, my baby brother couldn’t get his baby love times the best it can from my mom. He gets all the attention. He’s the one my mom care the most probably. She cares what he feels, what he do, where he is, how he is doing, even when he did something bad, she’s gonna forgive him in a day at the most!
But with me it can be forever. Even she can act harsh with my baby brother. She complains to me whenever she’s annoyed with my baby brother and how tired she is with him and how dad is unfair about it with my baby brother stuff but I LISTEN to her. When I feel like screaming “WHY DID YOU EVEN HAVE ANOTHER BABY THEN?!” haven’t I’ve been a good daughter?
I gave them good grades, I do everything they tell me to before, I obey them, but they never care. When I’m annoyed and not obey them and pissed at them, they’re gonna be like “you’ll see, I’m not gonna take care of you and blablabla…”
They don’t even give me privacy! They don’t let me lock my room. When my friends can do it. I don’t know what’s the problem seriously. Knocking isn’t such a big deal. And when I read novels or go to my laptop, she’ll be like “what are you doing? Just come here and take care of your brother” my friends’ mom barely do that, they’re cool. Instead my mom always tell my second brother to read or type, but he never does it cuz all he do is being like a dimwit and play. Though she knows I like to do the stuff my younger second bro doesn’t like to do, she always tell me to stop and help her take care of my baby bro or clean this that and blablabla. She always think everything I do is pointless. Maybe some people are right, “sometimes mothers act cooler to other’s child than to theirs”
I’ve always told that I’m the first child and that I should be mature and get lose with my younger brothers and give them what they want. But my second brother doesn’t do that with my baby brother and mom is fine with it at times. She just shout at him and that’s it even though my baby bro cried when he did that. But when I do that to my second bro, she’s gonna give me a bunch of craps and won’t talk to me for a week or something.
Mom only relate to me if she wants something or on girl stuff. Like shopping or if she needs money when she doesn’t have it or if she wants something from dad. She always uses my name whenever she wants things from my dad too at times, like, nisa wants to buy this and this, when she’s the one who want it.
I never tried again or even talk to mom or dad about the things, the private things, happening in my life that they don’t know. Sometimes I can’t relate with other moms better. They even listen to my stories. Mom wouldn’t even bother. She’ll be like ‘take care of your brother, I’m tired’ or ‘clean this up, that up, or ‘you’re so fat or you’re face is dirty again, do you ever use the stuff I bought and blabla…’ or ‘be like this, that, him, her, they’re blablabla’. So why should I even bother start to talk to her about my stuff if all her opinion will all lead to those things. My friends’ mom would be like “oh really?” n “why?” n “so how did it go?” n “what happen next?” at least try to have fun. All my mom do is like clean this that, need to do this that, everything needs to be done and that that, she’s the one who’s tiring herself. No one tells her to clean this up and that up. She’s the one who looks for things to do or jobs at her free time when everything is fine sometimes.
I only have free times when my baby bro is asleep or stuff but mom would still give me stuff to do when that’s my free time. Cuz it doesn’t matter day or night, I’ll have to take care of my baby bro and then she’s gonna keep me to take care of him cuz “she’s tired after the day”
Sometimes I even think that my baby bro is not so close with my mom after all, since all he needs her is to drink from her milk, that’s it. But if not, he’ll be fine without her, even I think my mom doesn’t know him as well as me, who’s like mostly with him everyday. I just couldn’t understand mom, cuz I don’t know what’s her age but she always complain “tireeedd” all the time when what she does every day is not so hard. Some older people do harder stuff but they don’t complain. I think none of my parents could get me bcoz none of them have ever felt being the first child. Mom is the last and dad is the second, although sometimes dad knows stuff I hate and that I must’ve be annoyed, but none of them will really know how I feel. Mom couldn’t even appreciate what I do or even compliment me. Dad doesn’t even get what a girl wants really. He always acts all annoying and stuff at times to my brothers or me, which isn’t funny cuz it’ll only cause troubles. Sometimes I want to run away. I feel like, I’m just a burden in this family. My parents, especially my mom: Every time they did something for me, it’ll end up sounds like a burden or something regretful. Which makes me feel like crap if I’ve done something that I know, won’t make them proud. And I know they want me to have a good life and future, but sometimes they should loosen up a bit, especially my mom, she’s always serious with me. It’s annoying. When my dad is all goofy with me when it’s not even cool. I want to have a good family time and night together, but it mostly end up with fights and annoyance either from my dad or brothers. It’s annoying. That’s why whenever we’re gonna go to theme parks or stuff, my mom would invite her older sister’s children which is my cousins. Which is really not a family night. I’m so jealous looking at pictures of my friends with their family going to another country or somewhere and have so much fun. That can never happen with my family. So instead of going with them, I’ll rather just go with my friends or cousins.
Right now I feel like a dumbass, cuz I just cried. I cried over this. Cuz my mom is being a bitch at me and everyone in this whole family are assholes except my baby brother. I feel sorry for my baby bro at times cuz he’s all innocent. Anyways I shouldn’t cry, cuz I’m strong. Some people have worse situation than I am, so I should be strong and tough.

I just wish like at this kind of times, there is someone I can talk to. Usually I talk it over with my close friends but they’re not here now. So I should just cheer up. Whatever happens…Who cares. I don’t care if they’re gonna hate me. I sometimes wonder what would they do if I die? Would they still care? But whatever, I’m strong. I shouldn’t cry. Get over this. Just be myself. They’re also just human. So be strong.
I’m a big girl and I’m mature. I can handle everything. Just keep smiling.

Just they wait and see. I’m gonna be a successful person in the future and I’m gonna prove em that it’s not because of them. It’s because of my hard work. It’s not my fault that they’re having probs with my school stuff here before. It’s all bcoz of dad’s fault, but they always put the burden on me. they’re gonna be like “for u…we did this that this that,…for u…we blablabla….”
If dad could just stay for another three fuckin months, it won’t be so damning hard. But why should I always have to hear the crap and get the blame, when none of them wants to ever listen to me. cuz they will always change the damning subject. Yep.

I really do need extra patience living this life. Just prove em wrong nisa. They never help you with any of your work before and you cope with good grades. SO let them be busy with what they’re doing. Don’t let their words make you feel like a fuckin loser. Cuz you’re not. Prove em that their ways of trying to raise children aren’t always right. They always comment on how wrong some parents treat their children and sometimes they know other children’s feelings better than their own. So let them be. Just wait and see. I don’t care if I’m gonna make em proud or not cuz they’re never proud of what I get, they’re always “be better than him, her, or blabla…”. I’m gonna make myself proud.

p.s. : I know I may sound over sentiment or whatever you wanna say but if you’re in my position, you’re gonna feel how annoying and fucking unfair it is. Especially if your younger bro always want to get you in trouble. It’s such a piss off. I wonder if I were a guy…my parents would be so nice to me probably whether I’m the first or the last. But whatever…I’m tired. Just ignore those unimportant hisses. I have my own freedom too. Just be yourself. I don’t wanna regret or ruin my once in a lifetime teenage life and I’m not gonna let them ruin it either, cuz it’s MY life. They had theirs, now it’s mine. They should just stop thinking about their past life and compare it to now and boss me around. They had their chance I don’t care whatever they did. Whether they ruin it or what but now it’s my chance. Let me do whatever I want to do, they can just give me advice, but if I did the wrong thing, I think it’ll be okay cuz I should learn from my mistakes but I wouldn’t regret it either. It’s funny though, they thought me going to a normal school instead of wanting to go to a boarding school is because I want to stay with family, with them. But it’s so wrong. It’s because I wanna go to the malls, party, check out guys, have fun…meet my friends…and can study with friends and experience something new. I actually like the thought of boarding, getting away from your parents and annoying pesty brothers, but I thought again, once I go to school, I’m gonna be busy and I won’t see em much anyway. So just be patient nisa. Patience is the key to success. Yep. I know it seems like my life sucks. But it is what it is. I’m sorry if it’s so not interesting to you, but I don’t know where else to get it out. So sorry once again. I’m such a loser.