I thought…

I thought I met the right person…
The right person who fits my ideal guy…
A person that’s different than any guy I’ve met…
A person that I can count on…
A person I can share with…
A person. Who is a guy that I can trust with…

…But all those thoughts are wrong.

He was just the same as others. Nothing special. Nothing surprising.

Cuz’ after all, he’s also just human. I sometime want to think of him as a heartbreaker. But I have no right to. People have different emotions and feelings, and they have the right to show it. So he doesn’t deserve to be called a heartbreaker, cuz’ after all I was the one who is mostly wrong. Why did I even fall for him? Why did I even fell for his acts? I shouldn’t have got my hopes to high, when I know being friends was enough.

I am just a human. A hopeless, useless and egotistical human. I just can’t seem to get anything right. I made mistakes. I’m not always the winner. I’m imperfect. I’m way far off from the word ‘perfect’. I shouldn’t even look at him that way because I know he looks at me differently. I want to blame myself for being so self-centered. I feel like a fuckin bitch. But as I said before, I’m way off from perfect. I am imperfect.

I want to cry but he doesn’t worth the tears. I want to swear but even those words are not enough. I’m a strong person, and I should stay that way. I should always think that I’m actually such a lucky, very lucky person. I have mostly everything I want, while others suffer from something way more serious and important. This is what makes me feel so hopeless. Crying just for a guy, a crush, a boyfriend and things like this is worthless. I feel like I’m so self-centered and I cannot be thankful for what I got. I’m sucha loser.

Although, I think of him as a jerk and her as a brat . I know it’s mean and I have no right to say it but fuck off. I can say what I want okay. I’m just a self-centered, conceited, sentimental person. Or whatever you want to call me. Cuz’ I’m just a fuckin bitch myself.

Actually I don’t even know myself. All that I know is I’m imperfect. I really want to do something I can be proud of and for everyone else I love to be proud of too. But I’m just a piece of shit, if just at these kinds of things…I’m complaining and giving total crap and being such an ass about it too.

I shouldn’t cry. I’m strong. I’m independent. I can forget him because he’s nothing special and I’m nothing special for him either. So I should start to focus and just look at the bright side.

Like…look at it this way. I learned a lot of things.

First, don’t fall for someone easily.
Second, words can be full of lies.
Three, fate doesn’t come so obviously.
Four, true love is just fake.
Five, everyone always have a bad side in them.

Just take it for experience and needs to be careful for later on. For now, I wanna commit to something right. I want to focus on my school things first and no boyfriend-shit/crushes. And I really want to take it seriously. I don’t wanna be like just all talk. I don’t want to just say and write it but I really want to do it. After all “boyfriend/crushes” are not the most important thing in life and the same thing for guys thinks about “girlfriends/crushes” prolly. But I don’t know and I don’t care, as long as I’m happy and I have great friends. I just want to commit on something right and really success with it. I don’t want to be some ruined unsuccessful person. I want to be a great person, whom everyone can be proud of. Even myself.

I wanna show that I can be a person that can commit to something. Not like some people, who said things that they totally ignore later on.

But before I kept on going on…I want to say sorry if I wrote lots of swearing words and this prolly bore you guys off and I’m truly very sorry, cuz’ I don’t really know where to let it out and I don’t know what I’m really feeling. It’s all just jumble up and all of these things are just said out of mind. I’m not really thinking clearly lately. So I’m sorry.

But I just want to share this quote I made, to you guys…

“You’re the wind and I’m the air. So I won’t suffocate when you’re not mine.”

I made this quote and I always kept it on my head. Somehow it cheers me up and clear my mind for a bit. This always makes me think that he’s not always mine. He’s not my property, nor is he my belonging. He’s a person just like me. So I shouldn’t bitch around anymore. I feel so sorry for this blog. It’s like a place where I kept turning on when I have probs. Hufh.

I truly am very sorry for the things that I wrote if it makes you readers uncomfortable. I’m apologizing on my disrespectful behalf.

But when I’m thinking over it again, I don’t really feel sad or depressed. It’s more like annoyed. So maybe he’s just a “passers” for me. It’s not true love. True love is not always obvious. It’s just puppy love. So I’m ready to let go. Although as you must’ve heard… “Letting go of someone is harder than falling for someone”

And one more thing… “I’ll rather sleep dreamless than dream about you” know that one? I made that and it’s true, rather than dreaming and wondering about that jerk. I have better things to do and to think. Seeing him again is so sickening. But I don’t care what he’s gonna do anymore. Whatever happens I don’t care. It’s time for me to just say ta-ta to him and her, cuz’ they’re just nothing but a friend. Not even a close one. And I dunno anything about them and who did what and how it starts so all I can do is just be happy for him and her. So congrats. It’s from the heart too…I’m sure I can let go. I’m not the revengeful kinda person. =)

Now…I think I’m outta words. I say…I should chill. Wahaha. Nah. Know what? There are still a buncha guys out there. Maybe even hotter ones. Which is true. =_= see why I feel so annoyed with myself. The things I wrote above is just to get anger out of my head cuz’ I’m annoyed. I’m not broken hearted or anything. I’m just annoyed and pissed at myself.

Hufh…I wanna get away for a moment and just leave this place and this state of position. I wanna get loose and free. Why do I have to let this happen again? Huft.

But I know I’m different. I’m not gonna waste my time just thinking about this, there are still a bunch of other things to do. So get over it and let’s have some fun! =)